A New Journey…

I tell my story, not for recognition, but so that others may have hope…

Do you know what it feels like to miss out on half of your child’s life. Do you know what it feels like when your son’s father blocks your number so you can’t talk to him or even say goodnight. Do you know what it feels like when your ex brings his “girlfriend of the year” to your sons baseball game and she is wearing your sons jersey and trying to fit in with all the other moms and your the outcast. Do you know what it feels like to cry every single day your away from your baby, not hearing him laugh or seeing his smile. Do you know what it’s like to cry hysterically begging God to end your life so that the pain stops throbbing in the pit of your stomach. Do you know what it is like when you find out your ex lied about having COVID symptoms so he could be off work and you weren’t able to see your child for over a week. Do you know what it is like when your own mom sends your ex a father’s day card, buys him holiday gifts and supports nothing you do or achieve. Do you know what it’s like when your ex wants to be the “cool” parent and allow a small child to ride in the front seat or drink multiple beers at his baseball game and then drive him home.

I do. Every single day. Every day I experience pain and gut wrenching deep sorrow, not knowing what’s going on with my own child and living a life with no family support, all alone.

Single motherhood (manhood) is not something to flaunt, be proud of or celebrate. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard. It’s daily exhaustion. It’s thankless and it’s really lonely. It makes total sense why people jump into new relationships so quick. As my ex told me “you know I can’t be alone.” Who wants to experience all this by themself. Succeeding as a single parent takes grit and the mentality that failure is never an option.

Do I crush it as a single mom by societal standards? Absolutely! I make a good salary, drive a nice car, have a nice house, semi-flexible schedule and have opportunities to share new experiences with my son. Is there a dark side? A lonely and angry side? Absolutely!

This is the beginning of a new journey. My story, my perspective and my opportunity to give any one person just a bit of hope that we will all come out of this ok.